Usually black on black is a no go, but today I was wearing black on black on black on black. I had on a black suit, black dress pants, black heels, and a black purse (using the same word ten times in the span of two sentences is also usually a no go).

I traded my usual garb for the morbid professional look for the cause of my UIC pharmacy school interview. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so grown up before. Unfortunately, the same cannot be said for how I looked. Even a black suit and heels can’t disguise the fact that I look fourteen; to my disappointment, the interviewer commented on how young I seemed.

I declined the campus tour option at the end, so I finished much earlier than I had originally anticipated. While waiting for my friends to come pick me up for lunch, I set out wandering. Within a block I found a little playground; good thing because I don’t think my heels would have let me go any further.

Feeling confined by the rigidness of the suit but more so by the new sentiment of professionalism and maturity, I grabbed a free newspaper and relieved my poor ankles as I sat down on a worn bench. It did not take long, though, for my attention to be diverted from the paper to the kids screaming joyfully at the playground. I tried to contain my strong desire to join them, reminding myself that business suits and playgrounds simply don’t mix.

The children soon after departed; so did my last ounce of self-control.

I did everything there was to do: monkey bars, the windy slide, swings, even the somewhat boring wooden horse on a spring you can ride. However enjoyable it was to let myself loose, I had to admit that I also felt a twinge of disappointment. Why? I couldn’t swing as high, slide down as fast, nor clear as many monkey bars (my limit was three this time!) as I used to.

I was thoroughly disappointed in the fact that I had lost all basic life skills, all that was important.

I returned to my paper.

I returned to my bench.

I returned to my black suit and black heels.

As I sat there, I thought about where I was. I was some place stuck between grown-up land and childhood bliss, some place between the black suit and the worn out jeans and tee. It scared me to look forward, but at the same time, I knew I couldn’t go back.

Moving on and growing up is a part of life, and the change is inevitable. Sometimes when we look down and see the new role we are wearing, we adopt a certain mindset that simply doesn’t allow business suits to mix with playground sets. Moving on from high school to college and now from college to professional school has forced me to grow up and put on the stiff suit.

I was reminded today that you don’t necessarily need to be confined or restricted by the new outfit. God wants us to recognize that while the change in externalities is inevitable, He still desires the childlike faith inside. I believe He is pleased with the kind of faith that still climbs through the monkey bars and swings high on swings, especially while wearing a suit and heels.

And with that, I got up from the bench and gave it another go.

This time, I wasn’t disappointed.